more anxiety thoughts

I realized tonight I'm having more intrusive thoughts than usual.

A newish kid named David got some shit from the president and in my head I can easily say "don't dwell on it, that's how he is" but to myself I accuse myself of everything

I worry that my coworkers notice my acne and think I look bad or young or judge me for it
I worry the people in the hallway are judging me and finding me unattractive, and that they find me attractive
I worry that my coworkers think I am stupid and I worry that they think I ask too many questions
I worry that this onboarding process somehow worked for everyone else but me and that I am the weak link
I worry that it is new and hasn't worked for anyone, and that is why it is not working for me and it is broken and I am overwhelmed because of it

I worry that I'm going to lose my job
or that they'll give me pointers on what to get better at and that I will be too overwhelmed with worry to implement the changes
I worry that I will try and study and read and never catch up
I worry that everyone thinks I'm smart and I'm going to let them down

I worry that I'm underdressed or dressed too young or cute a lot of the time

I just worry
east side

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also DUDE I have had this account for SO LONG

As much as I like Tumblr for the ease of sharing other people's posts and photos and things, I really like LJ's friends lists / privacy settings and things like that. I wish there were a way to get the best of both but I suppose maybe I will just blog into the ether here when I want to make longer posts.

(no subject)

Ideas for places to look for money to pay my bills
• call my old guidance counselor
• keep applying for third jobs
• sell a spare organ

Ideas for trying to sell all this damn art I'm making
• deviantart (no luck)
• etsy (start up fees)
• art shows (entry fees)

Ideas for saving money
• develop anorexia to save food money
• walk errywhere

week 3 already!

I told myself I'd post more...then I started having days that start at 7am and go til midnight o.o

Last week we had our C++ crash course, in which we all tried to learn the language in five two-hour classes. All the three-person teams then had to use it to make a little game; we made an rpg about a day at a university. It was cute, but another team with more past programming experience beat us to a pulp with a text-based lemonade stand game with tons of variables and about a thousand lines of code.

This week, though, we're learning 3D modeling and so far I'm having a ball. We had an assignment to make a scene with three snowmen doing something, here's a shot of mine:

I made that ALL BY MYSELF, GUYS!

As far as our over-arching project goes, I need to write a little paragraph on our 'problem area' by Wednesday; should be easy so of course I'm putting it off :p

I went to a ropes course for one of our group outings on Saturday and climbed a 50 foot tower :D :D

If you click that photo you can see my blog post (we blog daily M-F for the internship) about the snowmen and from there go to my page to see more photos if you want :)
east side

here comes the sun

Today was the first full-ish day at ISU. We did a lot of walking, a lot of bus riding, and a lot of sitting....

The cafeteria here is spectacular, so that's exciting. I have 30 meals (29 now) on a card, preloaded. It's buffet style and they have salads and quesadillas made to order. I got to the quesadillas and never looked back so I don't even know what else there is except the dessert tables.

Touring the VRAC (Virtual Reality...something. oops.) building was also really eye-opening as to how great this campus is. It houses the C6, which is tied for the biggest 6-sided virtual reality lab in the world I think. We'll get to see it soon, which is a really special treat because it's not open to everyone to just walk in or tour it.

Tonight the tears are about to set in I think. I went with two of my roommates to Walmart to get groceries since we got paid and once we hit the road home it started to sink in and I've felt really down/sad/overwhelmed/scared since. Once I get this done I'm going to wash up, put on some Star Trek, and have a cry/go to bed. I'm just trying to hold off until then so I don't run into any of my roomies with red crying eyes.
It doesn't help that neither mom, dad, nor Marcus picked up their phones tonight :c

I keep trying to think of a way to sign off my posts lately so they don't feel so open-ended but everything sounds really contrived. Tonight I'll try borrowing from a professor at DC:

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    "Blinded by the Light" - Steve Miller Band
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