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[no subject] [18 Feb 2012|08:06pm]

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more anxiety thoughts [03 Sep 2013|11:08pm]
I realized tonight I'm having more intrusive thoughts than usual.

A newish kid named David got some shit from the president and in my head I can easily say "don't dwell on it, that's how he is" but to myself I accuse myself of everything

I worry that my coworkers notice my acne and think I look bad or young or judge me for it
I worry the people in the hallway are judging me and finding me unattractive, and that they find me attractive
I worry that my coworkers think I am stupid and I worry that they think I ask too many questions
I worry that this onboarding process somehow worked for everyone else but me and that I am the weak link
I worry that it is new and hasn't worked for anyone, and that is why it is not working for me and it is broken and I am overwhelmed because of it

I worry that I'm going to lose my job
or that they'll give me pointers on what to get better at and that I will be too overwhelmed with worry to implement the changes
I worry that I will try and study and read and never catch up
I worry that everyone thinks I'm smart and I'm going to let them down

I worry that I'm underdressed or dressed too young or cute a lot of the time

I just worry
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[07 Apr 2013|08:12pm]
also DUDE I have had this account for SO LONG

As much as I like Tumblr for the ease of sharing other people's posts and photos and things, I really like LJ's friends lists / privacy settings and things like that. I wish there were a way to get the best of both but I suppose maybe I will just blog into the ether here when I want to make longer posts.
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[07 Apr 2013|08:06pm]
Help I haven't been on this site in ages

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

Send food
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[09 May 2012|11:21pm]
oh my GOD I haven't been here in FOREVER
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Things to Do in 2011!!!1!!eleven! [10 completed] [01 Jan 2012|07:28pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Write a letter to my past self
Write a letter to my future self
Draw or doodle at least once a week (outside of drawing class)
Get a “passing grade” on my list for once (65% or above completed, out of those possible by the end of the year)
Apply to ISU’s summer HCI internship

Read more...Collapse )

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[25 Oct 2011|02:46am]
Ideas for places to look for money to pay my bills
• call my old guidance counselor
• keep applying for third jobs
• sell a spare organ

Ideas for trying to sell all this damn art I'm making
• deviantart (no luck)
• etsy (start up fees)
• art shows (entry fees)

Ideas for saving money
• develop anorexia to save food money
• walk errywhere
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Make: Online - What does it mean to be a woman hackerspace member? [06 Jul 2011|07:27pm]
faceless_wonder is this referencing you? I saw PS:One and was like I KNOW WHAT THAT IS!

In any case, this article is pretty interesting.

Week 6 of the internship at this point. Also, I've shaved the sides of my hair pretty close to my head and am really behind on pen pal letters.
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week 3 already! [13 Jun 2011|06:40pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

I told myself I'd post more...then I started having days that start at 7am and go til midnight o.o

Last week we had our C++ crash course, in which we all tried to learn the language in five two-hour classes. All the three-person teams then had to use it to make a little game; we made an rpg about a day at a university. It was cute, but another team with more past programming experience beat us to a pulp with a text-based lemonade stand game with tons of variables and about a thousand lines of code.

This week, though, we're learning 3D modeling and so far I'm having a ball. We had an assignment to make a scene with three snowmen doing something, here's a shot of mine:

I made that ALL BY MYSELF, GUYS!

As far as our over-arching project goes, I need to write a little paragraph on our 'problem area' by Wednesday; should be easy so of course I'm putting it off :p

I went to a ropes course for one of our group outings on Saturday and climbed a 50 foot tower :D :D

If you click that photo you can see my blog post (we blog daily M-F for the internship) about the snowmen and from there go to my page to see more photos if you want :)

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here comes the sun [01 Jun 2011|10:54pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Today was the first full-ish day at ISU. We did a lot of walking, a lot of bus riding, and a lot of sitting....

The cafeteria here is spectacular, so that's exciting. I have 30 meals (29 now) on a card, preloaded. It's buffet style and they have salads and quesadillas made to order. I got to the quesadillas and never looked back so I don't even know what else there is except the dessert tables.

Touring the VRAC (Virtual Reality...something. oops.) building was also really eye-opening as to how great this campus is. It houses the C6, which is tied for the biggest 6-sided virtual reality lab in the world I think. We'll get to see it soon, which is a really special treat because it's not open to everyone to just walk in or tour it.

Tonight the tears are about to set in I think. I went with two of my roommates to Walmart to get groceries since we got paid and once we hit the road home it started to sink in and I've felt really down/sad/overwhelmed/scared since. Once I get this done I'm going to wash up, put on some Star Trek, and have a cry/go to bed. I'm just trying to hold off until then so I don't run into any of my roomies with red crying eyes.
It doesn't help that neither mom, dad, nor Marcus picked up their phones tonight :c

I keep trying to think of a way to sign off my posts lately so they don't feel so open-ended but everything sounds really contrived. Tonight I'll try borrowing from a professor at DC:


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today is the first day [31 May 2011|11:35pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I got up at 7 today to make the 6.5 hour drive from Champaign to Ames, Iowa. I got in around 3 and have moved about....1/3 to 1/2 of my things up to my room. It's on the third floor, but there's an elevator and air conditioning!

There was a picnic type dinner (including veggie burgers. is this heaven?) with a lot of the faculty/graduate advisors this evening, then one of the grad (postgrad? idk yet) students took us to Walmart to get some groceries. We got goodie bags with ID cards, a polo, some supplies like folders, a flash drive (8gb!) and so on.

Tomorrow we're going to walk around campus, get our photo IDs taken, get our first paychecks (woo!) and take a tour of the city on the bus system.

I miss home a lot already, and of course the boyfriend in particular, but I'm also excited to start rolling and have fun adventures with new people. Next weekend is a teambuilding activity and I've hit it off really well with one of my roommates so far.

It's about 11:30 and it's past my bedtime.

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late nights, part 4000 [08 Apr 2011|05:56am]
Despite the dulcet sounds of Radiohead and the rain pattering on my windowsill, I couldn't fall asleep tonight. It's about five am and I still haven't.
Part of it is the nausea that I've been nursing on and off for about five days now, but a larger part of it has been my anxiety, both general and focusing on a recent argument with my boyfriend.

What I wanted to focus on in this blog entry, though, is the anxiety overall, because even though at my last, very recent, checkup I said I wanted to just continue on the same dosage of the same drug, I've been considering changing over the last week. I know it's not long to make a decision on which is why I am of course waiting. As it is, I had my first thoughts of hurting myself in what I remember to be a few months, I think around winter break. That's what really spooked me, that and the recurrent and intermittent inability to sleep.

I can assume somewhat safely that the nausea and some of these issues are from the attempt at rearranging the timing of my meds in order to try and get rid of some of the lack of appetite I've been having.

Anyway, more to the point of what's worrying me is the range of things I've been worrying about. A non-exhaustive list:
getting enough sleep to function in classes tomorrow, not sleeping through Shakespeare so that I don't miss my quiz, writing my Shakespeare paper for the semester, getting bad grades in that and my computer classes, being put on academic probation, losing some or all of my funding, fighting with my boyfriend, breaking up, him transferring to another school next year, my internship this summer, paying for the storage unit I'll need, whether or not Des Moines is going to be full of close-minded republicans or something, if I'm going to get along with my teammates on the project, if the food is going to be awful or not, what the living conditions will be like, finding a doctor to renew my prescriptions over the summer, finding a second internship next year, making it to graduation, whether or not I'll have a job right out of school, the fear of deciding to move home-ish to be close to everyone and getting sucked into staying for the rest of my life which would therefore lead to a low-paying job, all of my money going to my overwhelming student loan payments, and never enjoying the company of the people around me.

As you can see, it's a bit of an issue. I figured that maybe typing all of this out would help me stop tossing and turning and burping up food I'm not sure I've ever even eaten, and that perhaps publishing it would garner some recommendations.
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[03 Apr 2011|03:56am]
I knew I shouldn't have bought Nutella the other night. It always devolves into me licking it straight off of a knife/spoon/finger in front of my computer, like so.

I was going to go somewhere with this and I've completely forgotten it now. I ran/walked a 5K this morning after a friend guilted me into it. I think I finished at about 32 minutes, which is miserable for me overall but considering how little sleep I'd gotten and how long it's been since I ran over about a half mile I'd say that was pretty decent.

I've been thinking about submitting a proposal for a plan to deploy One Laptop Per Child style PCs to schools in Cambodia and train the teachers to use them in the classroom but I'm really iffy on it. For one, it would be in May just after my senior year, with all of my research and planning occurring during that year. Two, I feel like a pompous First World ass just thinking about it: "What, you don't have running water? HAVE A COMPUTER! THEY MAKE LEARNING FUN!" Counterpoint one, though, is that the travel and a lot of other expenses are paid by some benefactors of my school.
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sleep schedule, you have failed me again. [18 Mar 2011|01:27am]
But in other news, it hit 70 today! I went for a jog outside and then did some lifting before meeting a friend for dinner at the caf. She's a freshman so she lives in the other hall so I don't see her much, but she's really great. She also happens to be transferring next year :(

I keep forgetting to schedule an appointment to get more refills on my Effexor scrip and start seeing the counselor again, now that I'm not too sick to stay awake for the appointments. I did, however, sign up for the blood drive Tuesday :)

The other half and I had a little argument today. Some crappy circumstances have basically led to his bank account being drained and so we're worrying about getting him over here/down to his mom's for spring break. I know I just saw him, but I'd still like him to come over again and visit me in my home territory for once in a great while. This is where I know the town and the restaurants and minimal things to do!
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60 degrees? what?? [16 Mar 2011|08:03pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Today's weather was pretty amazing. It was still chilly in the morning, but it was pushing 60 this afternoon.

Of course, I can't win and I had a killer headache by 2pm so I took a ton of tylenol and a nap instead of chancing things with a workout. I did, however, have a fantastic brunch and I decided to walk to Subway for dinner once I was up and feeling better. I got a veggie on the new(ish) 9-grain honey oat :) It wasn't a long walk but it was enough to work the last of the pain out of my thighs from my squats the other day. I'm hoping to get in a good workout tomorrow since I've been slacking the last couple of days.

For now, I'm on duty so I have to be up, in my room, and have my door open when I'm not on rounds so I decided to catch up on Glee :) I have some work I want to do for my Shakespeare class and some problems for Accounting, but overall it should be an easy night so I'm hoping to let myself relax and de-stress a little.

Also, I'm soooo bored with my hair. I don't know what I want to do with it next, though. I'm thinking about clipping one side really short and then tapering it longer, like a half-mohawk, half traditional 'emo cut' type thing. Not sure yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to get some color stripper and lighten it back up again. It's getting too pretty to have dismal dark hair :)

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Spring fever [15 Mar 2011|01:38am]
[ mood | tired ]

Today was the first day in a really, really long time that I felt like getting up and going outside instead of being in. I think it was a mix of coming back from a great spring break in Illinois and the weather finally picking up here in Ohio.

When I say getting warmer, keep in mind...it's more like 45 degrees F warm than balmy sunshine warm.

Anyway, it was great to finally feel like I'm starting to shake off the mono; the sleepiness and fatigue and weakness are all definitely still here, but much easier to deal with. I did an elliptical warm-up, some stretches, and then I was going to do squats and cleans but my legs cramped up after 2 sets of 5 squats with (I believe) 95 lbs. on the bar. Instead I did 2x15 dumbbell pushups with 15s and some knee raises, then a cool-down on a bike while I read about Shakespearean-era marriage laws - fun stuff, right??

Two year anniversary was on the 11th; I made lobster mac and cheese from scratch for lunch and then we went out to dinner at a place called the Spice Box. It was a themed dinner with delicious food and amazing desserts and it was wonderful.

I still have a lot of concerns in the back of my mind about money and my FAFSA and wanting to try a new medication, especially since my prescription is up after this month's dose. Also, waiting to hear back from internships and wondering what to do for the summer and a million other things including my term paper and how bad my computer classes' grades must be because I refuse to do this stupid assignment from last week. But I feel strong enough to work out a little, and that little bit really amped up my appetite, which is what really made me happy. I feel so much better when I can eat full meals.

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Gratuitous insight into my evening [20 Feb 2011|09:39pm]

This is what I get for trying to let my hair grow out and do fun things with it. I don't know my way around a curler at all.

Also, final diagnosis at this point is I have mono along with a secondary virus and had to get two shots in the "hip" (aka totally the upper curve of my rump, and they hurt. a lot.) on...Saturday? to help take down my fever and throat swelling so I could sleep and eat.
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2011 Book List [10 Feb 2011|01:23am]
[ mood | driven ]

I may or may not keep up with reviews on these. We'll see.

Be More Chill, Ned Vizzini
The Exorcist, William Peter Blatty
Boarding the Enterprise (Smart Pop series)
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
Mindscan, Robert J. Sawyer
Twisted, Jeffery Deaver

In progress:
Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

Future reading (hopefully!):
The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
Taking the Red Pill (Smart Pop series)
The Hunger Games series
Not for Self but Others, Bert McEntire

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thinkin' about my doorbell [09 Feb 2011|02:27am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

I was going through old posts because I'm thinking of starting to list this blog as my "personal website/blog" on applications and things, and of course I wanted to make sure that no super-private entries accidentally got left hanging open.
(side note: it seems like LiveJournal is the red-headed stepchild of the blogosphere now? What gives?)
Anyway, I realized that on public-only view it looks like I only blogged about a half dozen times in all of last year! A real Shakespearean tragedy if I ever saw one.
(related: we're past As You Like It and into King Lear now. I'm starting to freak out juuust a little.)

I still don't feel that I've finished my list of Things to Do for this year, but I also feel that maybe picking 100 the last couple of years was a bit of a lofty goal. I hope to get back to all that before February is up. If not, I'm going to leave them as they are and just try to achieve them.

I've been making great progress on the reading-books bit, mostly thanks to OhioLINK and the school library. I'm churning my wheels on FlashForward, I think mostly because I've seen the show already so I'm trying really hard to dispel my preconceptions but not doing a very good job of it. I'm on page 27 and have had to renew it once already.
Some day.

Other news: I went to the ER last night because it turns out I have a second virus (yay me!) that's been causing ulcers in my throat. Yesterday I couldn't eat at all, so obviously I got pretty freaked out. They gave me scrips for Vicodin (DO THEY JUST GIVE THAT OUT LIKE CANDY I DON'T UNDERSTAND) and something called "magic mouthwash" which if you ask me sounds even more illicit than the Vicodin. In any case, I can eat full meals for the first time in a couple of weeks so I am one very happy girl indeed!

Also, I've been thinking about changing the name of this blog so that it's slightly less embarrassing, but I don't have to lose my archive of old, very embarrassing, posts. Anyone have any ideas for a new handle?
Edit: wait, WHAT? WHY is it $15 to rename an account? FIFTEEN DOLLARS THAT IS MY MONTHLY LOAN PAYMENT.

Oh, PS this weekend if I don't feel like death I'm tripping to Champaign for some visiting and Valentine's Day celebratin' and by that I mean since we're both sick we'll probably lay in bed and watch House marathons while eating soup and oyster crackers but hey :)

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Health Update [05 Feb 2011|04:11am]
It turns out that the abdominal pain I've been having for almost two weeks now is due to my spleen and/or liver being enlarged from the virus that causes mono. I've just now started to get "normal" symptoms, but have been told not to exercise basically at all and to keep my meals small to avoid taxing my spleen especially.

Well, that diagnosis and the weight I've lost from the liquid diet make me feel awesome! /sarcasm

Obviously I've made no progress toward my exercise/diet plans because of all this. All things considered though, my stress levels are at a pretty comfortable place for me this semester and I feel generally happy and pretty relaxed. My schedule is rough but I seem to be adapting well and I feel pretty settled into my classes.
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